MEN AND WOMEN
THE HORMONES OF IT ALL
By Virginia McCullough
During this past week this writer, of necessity, dealt with far more male minds than I normally do and it has left me exhausted. Why, I wondered, is communicating with the opposite sex so tiring for this Pisces female.
With few exceptions I have always enjoyed the company of men more then women. I have never been very domestic even though I am the mother of seven, the grandmother of ten and the great grandmother of two.
The only time I have really had a desire to dress in a sexy manner was in my late twenties when I was between husbands. The approach was very successful because it garnered me my wonderful husband of 35 years. But getting all dressed up and made up daily is a tiring feat and I soon slumped into blue jeans and Salvation Army t-shirts -- at a dollar a throw the best buy in town. Top that off with a matching hat and tennis shoes and my readers will have a general picture of what I now look like. My husband calls it a walking billboard.
I have examined male/female logic in my mind over the past week and still remained confused. However, this morning I received an email from my brilliant brother-in-law that explained the whole problem.
The author is unknown. But I thought I would share it with all of you.
THE MEN'S VIEW
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now, here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago in inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
To this unknown author, my eternal gratitude. I will sign off now and go back and study your helpful hints. It has been a tiring week.
by Virginia McCullough